Yep. You read that right. “I stopped drinking and n” is all it took before google had its sights on me. The complete sentence is: “I stopped drinking and now I can’t sleep”. I’ve gone a week before without any issue (my last drink was on July 10th), but this time has been different. What’s changed? Why can’t I sleep and what’s with these freaky f!@#ing dreams I’ve been having!?
I’ve Made up my Mind
I’ve had nights were I got a little carried away drinking; maybe I’ve had an off-color comment to a friend that we talked through and it turned out to be no big deal or an apology for being an idiot sufficed. Nothing too terrible — at least recently. I’ve had a few days where this internal voice kept saying “Yeah, we need to tone it down there, buddy”… you know: moderate. Easy enough, right? Inevitably, a few nights pass, all was right with the world, and once again I’m carrying on like nothing happened.
Truth is, the consequences were never that bad. Or maybe they weren’t bad enough. Or maybe I just didn’t remember. My all-too-recent pledge of sobriety wasn’t actually provoked by a specific event or evening; I just deeply needed a change and this felt like the quickest and easiest thing I could do.
If you’re reading this and want to punch me in the face for calling it “easy”, I am sorry. I’ve always been some kinda bastard that once my mind was made up, there’s never been a force I couldn’t overcome. Having said that, going dry was the most blatant change I could make. I’m at a place where I joke with colleagues that my normal state is hung over. No biggie, “I wear it well” we would all joke. Hah. Fml.
Not any more. I’ve made up my mind. Nothing till October 10th, and then I’ll reevaluate.
Holy Shit, I’m Actually Going to say it
I drink too much. Waaaaaaay too much. I’ve just decided to say it here and now because I’m simply tired of pretending that everything is ok. I know it’s not, but I’m also not circling back and handling the situation on my own, I’m just repeating it. Quite frankly, I’m at that point where I don’t even care if this is a career limiting post; I just need a change… and part of me feels like that’s not the whole sentence. The rest of that sentence feels like “before it’s too late”.
So let’s break it down. On any given night — school night or otherwise — I could easily drink a half a bottle of tequila. Wouldn’t even phase me. You’d never be the wiser that I could have drank someone under the table the night before and been as productive as I was. Hell, I might not feel great, but I’m to the point where if I don’t pass out after three quarters of a bottle, I’ll finish the whole damn thing AND STILL make it to work the next day and be mostly productive. Maybe I’d “take it easy” and have a nap after I got home from work or snooze in my car for 15 minutes over lunch. Ultimately, no big deal.
WHAT!?? You’re Drinking How Much?!
Did you do a double take? If I’m honest, these days I’m feeling a little ashamed of it. I told a good friend of mine that I was quitting for a while and he said “have you tried just NOT drinking the entire bottle?” to which I had to admit: “Yeah. I have… and it’s not working.” Mind you, this isn’t something I’m proud of, and in the moment I blurted that out, I felt real anxiety admitting that. (Ryan’s internal thoughts bleed into the post: “heh… so now I figured I’d blog about it. Riiiight, ’cause that makes sense.” Ryan nods)
Despite how all this might sound, I’m a good dude. People tell me that. I believe it. I try to act as if I were. Hah! Yes, all my evidence of this boils down to anecdotal conjecture, but if you could find it in your heart to trust me on this, I won’t let you down =]
The Unexpected Revelation
I blog to you this eveni—nope. It’s morning. Clearly morning now… Take two, aaaaaand ACTION!
I blog to you this morning because I haven’t been sleeping and I asked why. The Internet is full of people with this very same issue: stop drinking = stop sleeping + freaky nightmares. But a funny thing just happened: I noticed a lot of these people having these very same issue were alcoholics. Believe me, I’m aware I have some bad drinking tendencies, but I’m not an alcoho………..
Fuck. I’m an alcoholic.
…so what happens now?